The Final Frontier

For all those hoping for a lunar colony, you’d best be looking somewhere else for such an investment. Former Speaker of the House and most recent Energizer Bunny, Newt Gingrich, has finally realized he has no chance of becoming the Republican nominee.

After some deep contemplation and discussion with his 16th wife, Gingrich will be stepping down this Wednesday. Though Republicans believe that Gingrich will throw his support behind rival Mitt Romney, for all we know, Gingrich might make the race even more exciting by betting on Ron Paul to sweep the nation.

It’s a shame that Mr. Gingrich will be leaving the race with outsiders harboring mixed feelings toward Mr. Susan Boyle. Rather than proposing ideas that would benefit our country, Gingrich, instead, stayed in a race that was no longer meant for him.

 

 

As the race for the future Republican nominee starts to wind down, that between Romney and Obama has just begun. Both power players, the two figures will fight until one is named champion. It is unfortunate that it took Gingrich this long to realize that he never had a chance against the Barack-ster. A Keebler elf look-alike will always be defeated by someone who has an eerie resemblance to Curious George. It’s just the way it is.

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Look at him go!

Gracias Me Gusta Burritos de Pollo

The Romney campaign was given a mission. A mission to appeal to members of the opposite sex in hopes that their votes would give Mitt the needed boost over President Obama. Now, after one week, Romney has a new goal to attain, that is, to trick the Latino demographic into thinking he knows the difference between a quesadilla and an enchilada.

Are those Nachos?

The way for Romney to achieve this is to tackle the immigration problem, but unfortunately he cannot since one of his campaign platforms is to harp on those illegal immigrants. Such a stance is yet another attempt by Romney to prove that he is dangerously conservative. In fact, the choice to pursue such an issue is a failure on Romney’s part since illegal immigration is at the bottom of the list when it comes to American concerns.

 

 

 

So get ready for some major damage control, America, because Mitt Romney might be fashioning a sombrero and taking a few shots of tequila before he makes the rounds. Who knows, we might be lucky enough to hear him attempt to speak some Spanish. He’ll probably address the crowd by saying “Hola” and then try to express how much the Hispanic community means to him, but instead he’ll sputter, “Mi gato es de color rojo.” Though you might have dyed your pet feline to represent the Republican Party, it’s not going to win you the seat in the White House, hombre.

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Hopefully, this will give Romney a basic understanding of how to speak Spanish. Emphasis on the hopefully.

They Don’t Call Me Maidservant For Nothing

With Rick Santorum officially suspending his campaign so he can channel all of his positive energy to designing fashionable sweater vests, Mitt Romney is facing pressure from the Republican Party to morph into a Mighty Power Republican Ranger. As the modern day Mrs. Doubtfire, Santorum gained respect from conservative stay-at-home moms and middle class families alike. The man could have easily donned a wig and nightgown while whipping up a batch of freshly made chocolate chip cookies. Santorum had an in with the traditional ladies.

Alas, the focus has shifted again to Romney who, unlike Santorum, has no idea how to use a vacuum, let alone clean a multilevel mansion. Realizing that he needs to appeal to a particular female demographic, Romney has pulled out his secret weapon: his wife. Ann Romney is just what the doctor ordered because she fits the basic criteria of being a woman and a stay-at-home mom.

After Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen criticized Mrs. Romney for having “never worked a day in her life”, Ann went on the defense via Twitter typing “I made a choice to stay home and raise five boys. Believe me, it was hard work.” Still, some outsiders continue to question whether the Romney household ever relied on maids or nannies because, you know, they are stinking rich. Though Ann denied such allegations, a reported 5 nannies and maids are in fact stationed throughout the Romney household. Makes you wonder how much work Ann is really doing.

Though this little dispute might appear to some detrimental in regards to the Romney campaign, it might actually be a tactful move on their part. Ann is by far a more likeable character than her husband and her presence can help bring in those much needed votes. Despite this little sideshow, Ann Romney’s love for her children has made for a nice diversion from the craziness of what has become the Republican Party.

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Romney would for sure be the Red Power Ranger. Look at him go!

Cn Smone Teach Me Hw To Spel?

Remember that post back in January when I harped on the Republicans for their “snarky comments” and use of “low blows” through their mudslinging advertisements? Well, the hope that my message might in some way personally touch and move one of the candidates to cease taking part in such cattiness has failed. Not only has it not affected the lives of the current GOP contestants, but it has made no impression on the general Republican audience.

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa has decided to take part in the fun by not necessarily attacking the Republican candidates, but rather, by releasing his fury on President Obama. Senator Grassley, who works closely with the Supreme Court, apparently took personal offense when Obama said it would be “unprecedented” if the Supreme Court decided to turn down his health care bill.

Well, what better way to express your anger and resentment toward the leader of the Free World than to type it all out on Twitter. Yes, instead of releasing a verbal statement which would certainly have been more eloquent, Senator Grassley decided to tweet this:

Um, excuse me? Let me get out my Twitter translator as well as my Senator Grassley renderer and let’s see if we can figure this one out.  Oh! Well, he must be referring to President Obama because he was a professor of constitutional law, but the “Am ppl” part has left me, as well as the Twitter-verse, befuddled. Senator Grassley, were you so excited to give it to Obama that you neglected your vowels? In fact, most of your tweets sound like a kindergartner typed them. Like this one:

Or this one:

“What is Alex Baldwin doing in USA advertising for Capital One credit card. He said he was going lv US of Bush was elected”

I mean seriously Grassley, seriously? First off, it’s Alec Baldwin not Alex. And second of all, seriously? Outbursts like these from the Republican party are only negatively affecting their image. It’s bad enough that three out of the four Republican candidates are continuing to drag out the race, so there is no room for additional stupidity.

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Once he cleans up his spelling, Grassley might want to listen to Jack’s fashion advice.

I Seem To Have Lost My Filter

In light of April 1st, what better way to celebrate such a joyous holiday than to pay homage to one of the best jokes in modern day politics? Vice President Joe Biden might have Rick Perry beat when it comes to the most ridiculous and embarrassing blunders of the 21st century.

When giving a speech at the Scott Community College in Davenport, Iowa, Mr. Charming referred to the president of the school as a sugary drink instead of saying her actual name. Biden’s slip-up went a little something like this:

Due to the fact that Joe Biden is not equipped with a built-in teleprompter, the former Delaware senator keeps making mistake after mistake. In the beginning of the new year, Biden boasted that the Giants were making their way to the coveted Super Bowl. Such a statement is not controversial unless it is announced in front of a group of unruly 49ers fans. Oh wait. It was. Mr. Biden apparently got his Giants mixed up, confusing the New York Giants with the SF Giants (a baseball team, mind you)

Go back two years and not only did Biden drop the F-bomb during a ceremony for the healthcare bill, but a week earlier the vice president offered his condolences to the Irish prime minister on his deceased mother. Little did Biden know that the Irish prime minister’s mum is still chugging along and has yet to reach an untimely end.

Though speechwriters alike would rather have Joe Biden pushed into a corner with masking tape over his mouth until further instructed, the vice president will always remain a loose cannon.

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Just the way we like Biden: Nice and Quiet.

I Think I Can Be A Republican

Given Mitt Romney’s growing momentum and now, the recent support of C-List conservatives, his nomination to be the Republican representative for the 2012 elections is more a reality than a dream. Still, why has it taken so long for Republicans to back-up Romney? Is it because he loves those NASCAR drivers? Or maybe it is because his taxes could buy hundreds of crocodile skin umbrellas that could shield his one of a kind suits. (Did I mention that crocodile skin umbrellas cost 50,000 dollars a piece?)  The endorsements lack determination and favoritism and, instead, tread more on reluctance and doubt.

South Carolina senator Jim DeMint released a statement with regard to Romney, saying, “I’m not only comfortable with Romney, I’m excited about the possibility of him being our nominee.” Jeb Bush also has decided to back Romney, but in a way that appears aloof. What both DeMint and Bush have in common, besides their cubical shaped heads, is that they have neither thoroughly nor convincingly endorsed Romney. Rather than blowing up the Romney balloons or investing in ads declaring their love for Mr. Massachusetts, they’ve given him more of a nice pat on the back for what he has accomplished thus far.

Much of the Republican’s reluctance points to their view of Romney as a moderate rather than a conservative. During the 2008 presidential election, Romney presented his take on universal healthcare, a proposition that Obama would later use as a basis for his own healthcare program. It was this realization that pushed the Republicans to put on their traditionalist capes and right-wing masks and spread their message of anti-socialism across the country. Obviously, the Republicans want someone in office who will be the poster child for their cause and the slightest chance that their candidate might stray sets off the Republican siren.

Romney’s goal is to win over those conservatives who fear that if he were to assume office he would take off his disguise only to reveal that he is truly a flaming liberal. Romney needs to remember that he has to appeal to that conventional demographic or he might be finding himself selling hot dogs at the Radical Convention.

 

 

 

Here’s Your Political Portion:

Superhero > Republican Candidate.

Never Gonna Give You Up

The offensive battle between the GOP candidates only continues to escalate. With harsher ads and biting discourse, it comes as no surprise that the 2008 Republican nominee, John McCain, was recently quoted as saying that the 2012 GOP race has been the “nastiest” campaign yet. Over the past months the Republican race has proven to be simply a fight between two men: Romney and Santorum. Both contenders have made the most headway and have tallied up the most votes.

Though the former governor of Massachusetts and former senator from Pennsylvania are in it until the end, why in the world are Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul still in the race? Actually, let me rephrase this question. Why in the world is Ron Paul still in the race? Gingrich has at least won two primaries, but Ron Paul has won none. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. Zero. Does the once Republican now turned Libertarian not realize that his chances to ever become president are slim to nonexistent? Let’s face it. The man’s perseverance is quite admirable. Not only is he the oldest candidate, but when questioned about his health, Paul quickly turned the inquiry into a bicycle challenge that will take place in the sweltering heat.

 

Look At Him Go!When it comes to vigor, though Paul is arguably a fine specimen of AARP health when compared to ticker-attack McCain, there is something to be said for the sentiment enough is enough. Ron Paul is like an endearing cockroach. He is filled with charm and charisma, but he will never go away. The man keeps subjecting himself to presidential race after presidential race, only setting himself up for failure.

The most logical move for Paul would be to admit defeat so he can return home to his wife and read a nice, long medical textbook over a glass of prune juice. He could rest his joints for that proposed bike ride or, better yet, conserve all his energy for a rousing game of shuffleboard. With suggestions aside, Paul continues to be that messenger for all those who consider themselves to be libertarians.

Despite this being one of the main and probably only reasons why he will not drop out, Paul should give campaigning a rest and maybe find other ways to spread his love for the Constitution.

 

 

 

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You’ve just been Ron Roll’D!

I’ll Have A Supersize Tuesday and A Side of Fries

This year, March 6th marks Super Tuesday. Though no helmets or padding will be provided, the GOP candidates will attempt to win the hearts of voters from Alaska, Georgia, Idaho, Massachusetts, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Virginia, and Vermont. Nothing says “I don’t really care enough about these ten states, so why not just clump them all together?” quite like Super Tuesday.

Super Tuesday really is the candidates’ opportunity to prove to Americans their popularity across the nation. In fact, this is the true purpose for all presidential primaries and caucuses. They are simply beauty contests. Each candidate dons his best outfit in hopes that the shiny cufflinks he purchased will appeal to the upper class but will not offend the poor.

The primaries and caucuses are supposed to predict who will be the front-runner for the party. Unfortunately, this does not always serve to be true. In 2008, the prestigious Iowa caucus reported Mike Huckabee as the winner for the Republican Party with a staggering 40,841 votes. Romney came in second, with Fred Thompson (also known as “The Law and Order Actor”) taking third.

Huckabee? Seriously? The projected candidate for the Republican Party? The rodent-snacker? This guy?:

Though John McCain won most of the Republican delegates in the long run while Obama and Mrs. Clinton battled it out for a period of time, these types of predictions are not always accurate. One minute you are on top of the world (the free world, that is), and the next, you are doing this:

Here’s your political portion:

If Karab Amabo was a Super Tuesday contender, I’d totally vote for him.

Well, This Is Awkward

Listen up, ladies. If you are searching for that perfect man who is conservative AND spontaneous at the same time, well look no further. Despite the little snafu that he is already married and that his family is the modern day Brady Bunch, Rick Santorum is just the chap for you. Santorum’s staunch opposition to birth control, abortion, and prenatal screenings is so tantalizing and alluring that Republican women simply cannot get enough of him. In a recent ABC News poll, GOP women find the former senator of Pennsylvania the most appealing when compared to Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

A Stud Like Paul Back In The Day

Side Note: Um, women of the Right Wing? Have you forgotten about Ron Paul? Have you not seen his ears? Come on, girls. His middle name is Ernest.

It comes as a surprise, actually, more of a shock, that Santorum is favorable amongst the female population. This is the man who preaches that prenatal tests lead to abortions. This is also the man who has proclaimed that birth control is not only destructive for women to use, but that it actually doesn’t work. Contradictory much? Unfortunately for Mr. Sweater Vest, his words fall on deaf ears, for over 12 million American women use birth control and the number keeps rising. Unless the presidential hopeful pulls a Hamburgler on all places that sell birth control and contraceptives, Santorum is out of luck.

Ladies, Guess Who Is Bringing Sexy Back?

Political strategists have come to the conclusion that it is not actually Santorum’s strong opinions on women’s health issues that have made the traditional lassies swoon over him, but rather, it is the fact that he knows how to successfully play the role of Mr. Mom. As one strategist explains, “Rick knows firsthand what it means to run the carpool, pick up the kids from practice, help with homework and drop them off at their friends’ houses, all while trying to get to work on time or home for dinner with the family.”

Gals of America, what more do you want? Not only does Mr. Santorum fly by the seat of his pants (because nothing says unplanned like an unplanned pregnancy), but he is the modern day Mary Poppins! Give him a feather duster, a magical satchel, and a British accent and you have the man of your dreams.

These Are The Kind Of Women Who Want Some Santorum Loving

On a more serious note, Rick needs to realize that he cannot single handedly prevent every woman in the United States from getting down and dirty. To not sell birth control in pharmacies and drug stores would be an error of mass proportion and most women in the United States would be more resentful than thankful to whoever made the ultimate decision.

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I’ll be calling Nanny Santorum to take care of my future children.

I Wanna Be Like You

As the search marches on for the Republican representative who will square off against President Obama, there is still something lacking. What has been missing is that sense of connectivity, that bond between the voter and the candidate. There simply is no chemistry. Instead of, say, Mitt Romney, wining and dining the average Joe, the former governor of Massachusetts spends his money on fancy, tailored suits and professional landscaping for his home. Comedian and host of the Daily Show, Jon Stewart, appeared as a guest on the The Late Show With David Letterman last week and perfectly captured this issue in a basic comparison:

Never would I have considered Romney, let alone any of the candidates, an animatronics figure, but I would have to agree with Stewart. These Republicans are trying too hard to be something that they are not. Take the New Hampshire debate, which took place on January 7th. In what I consider to be the best part of the debates, the moderator asks the men of the moment personal questions that seem to be much “lighter” than the standard financial crisis inquiry. The personal question posed by George Stephanopoulos sounded easy at first. But as the Republicans attempted to answer the question it became quite clear that a train wreck was to commence. The question was (and please, brace yourself), “What do you typically do on a Saturday night?” How can such a straightforward question cause so many issues? Fast forward to the fiasco below which can be found at time code 1:24:16:

First off, let us take a moment to note that there was no football or basketball game taking place the weekend of the debate. Second, it is sad to say that it was Rick Perry and Ron Paul who gave an almost authentic response and to say this is actually throwing them a bone. Unfortunately for Romney, Santorum, and especially Gingrich, their lack of sincerity and, let’s face it, sports knowledge, was quite obvious. The men could have said they watch curling and no one would have believed them. 
Then there was Jon Huntsman. Huntsman gave an adequate answer about checking up on his two sons, but he could have simply ended his answer at that. Instead, Huntsman valiantly turned the question into a spiel about how great America is and if you elect me as your president I will keep it great!

Did these men not learn anything from elementary school? You cannot pretend to be someone you are not just so you can fit in with the popular kids. It just doesn’t work. Sooner or later, their true colors are going to bleed through and they will just be exiled to the dweeb table in the corner of the cafeteria. Remember, men, no one wants a poser.

Here’s your political portion:

Newt kind of looks like King Louie, eh?