Monthly Archives: February 2012

Well, This Is Awkward

Listen up, ladies. If you are searching for that perfect man who is conservative AND spontaneous at the same time, well look no further. Despite the little snafu that he is already married and that his family is the modern day Brady Bunch, Rick Santorum is just the chap for you. Santorum’s staunch opposition to birth control, abortion, and prenatal screenings is so tantalizing and alluring that Republican women simply cannot get enough of him. In a recent ABC News poll, GOP women find the former senator of Pennsylvania the most appealing when compared to Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

A Stud Like Paul Back In The Day

Side Note: Um, women of the Right Wing? Have you forgotten about Ron Paul? Have you not seen his ears? Come on, girls. His middle name is Ernest.

It comes as a surprise, actually, more of a shock, that Santorum is favorable amongst the female population. This is the man who preaches that prenatal tests lead to abortions. This is also the man who has proclaimed that birth control is not only destructive for women to use, but that it actually doesn’t work. Contradictory much? Unfortunately for Mr. Sweater Vest, his words fall on deaf ears, for over 12 million American women use birth control and the number keeps rising. Unless the presidential hopeful pulls a Hamburgler on all places that sell birth control and contraceptives, Santorum is out of luck.

Ladies, Guess Who Is Bringing Sexy Back?

Political strategists have come to the conclusion that it is not actually Santorum’s strong opinions on women’s health issues that have made the traditional lassies swoon over him, but rather, it is the fact that he knows how to successfully play the role of Mr. Mom. As one strategist explains, “Rick knows firsthand what it means to run the carpool, pick up the kids from practice, help with homework and drop them off at their friends’ houses, all while trying to get to work on time or home for dinner with the family.”

Gals of America, what more do you want? Not only does Mr. Santorum fly by the seat of his pants (because nothing says unplanned like an unplanned pregnancy), but he is the modern day Mary Poppins! Give him a feather duster, a magical satchel, and a British accent and you have the man of your dreams.

These Are The Kind Of Women Who Want Some Santorum Loving

On a more serious note, Rick needs to realize that he cannot single handedly prevent every woman in the United States from getting down and dirty. To not sell birth control in pharmacies and drug stores would be an error of mass proportion and most women in the United States would be more resentful than thankful to whoever made the ultimate decision.

Here is your political portion:

I’ll be calling Nanny Santorum to take care of my future children.

I Wanna Be Like You

As the search marches on for the Republican representative who will square off against President Obama, there is still something lacking. What has been missing is that sense of connectivity, that bond between the voter and the candidate. There simply is no chemistry. Instead of, say, Mitt Romney, wining and dining the average Joe, the former governor of Massachusetts spends his money on fancy, tailored suits and professional landscaping for his home. Comedian and host of the Daily Show, Jon Stewart, appeared as a guest on the The Late Show With David Letterman last week and perfectly captured this issue in a basic comparison:

Never would I have considered Romney, let alone any of the candidates, an animatronics figure, but I would have to agree with Stewart. These Republicans are trying too hard to be something that they are not. Take the New Hampshire debate, which took place on January 7th. In what I consider to be the best part of the debates, the moderator asks the men of the moment personal questions that seem to be much “lighter” than the standard financial crisis inquiry. The personal question posed by George Stephanopoulos sounded easy at first. But as the Republicans attempted to answer the question it became quite clear that a train wreck was to commence. The question was (and please, brace yourself), “What do you typically do on a Saturday night?” How can such a straightforward question cause so many issues? Fast forward to the fiasco below which can be found at time code 1:24:16:

First off, let us take a moment to note that there was no football or basketball game taking place the weekend of the debate. Second, it is sad to say that it was Rick Perry and Ron Paul who gave an almost authentic response and to say this is actually throwing them a bone. Unfortunately for Romney, Santorum, and especially Gingrich, their lack of sincerity and, let’s face it, sports knowledge, was quite obvious. The men could have said they watch curling and no one would have believed them. 
Then there was Jon Huntsman. Huntsman gave an adequate answer about checking up on his two sons, but he could have simply ended his answer at that. Instead, Huntsman valiantly turned the question into a spiel about how great America is and if you elect me as your president I will keep it great!

Did these men not learn anything from elementary school? You cannot pretend to be someone you are not just so you can fit in with the popular kids. It just doesn’t work. Sooner or later, their true colors are going to bleed through and they will just be exiled to the dweeb table in the corner of the cafeteria. Remember, men, no one wants a poser.

Here’s your political portion:

Newt kind of looks like King Louie, eh?

Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Kind of Better

Mitt Romney better start sleeping with one eye open, for it appears as though a new Republican contender might be taking the spotlight. In an unexpected twist on February 7th, Rick Santorum swept the Missouri, Colorado, and Minnesota primaries and caucuses. With such success comes the combination of more attention and additional funders. Can someone say “more commercials and customized t-shirts”?

These wins have provided Santorum some ego-stroking swagger, giving him that extra push to talk more smack about the former governor of Massachusetts. At this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, Santorum put on his best sweater vest, packed away with his little backpack (I like to imagine he carries this when the going gets tough), and brought on the scandal mongering. Side note: For those who are unfamiliar with CPAC, simply picture Comic-Con and its devoted fan base, but instead of people dressing up as their favorite anime character, everyone is donning his favorite conservative on a nifty pin.

 

This year at CPAC, the annual straw poll indicated Romney as the winner. This obviously did not sit well with Santorum and, let’s be honest. After winning over three states, despite Missouri not even counting, such triumph can go to an individual’s head. Being the good sport he truly is, Santorum went on to tell CNN that “For years, Ron Paul won those (CPAC’s straw polls) because he just trucks in a lot of people, pays their ticket, and they come in and vote and then they leave. I don’t try to rig straw polls.” When pushed on whether or not he was implying that Romney did the same thing, Santorum went on to say, “Well, you have to talk to the Romney campaign. We’ve heard all sorts of things.”

Ah, Rick. Don’t let the loss get to you. Sure, it’s pretty tough to hear that you didn’t come out victorious in a poll equivalent to the minor leagues, but hey, every poll counts, right? Sure, the first thing you want to do is accuse your opponents of cheating so that you look like the better person. But come on, Rick! You know you are better than that! While you take some time to recoup from this blow, here are some competitions that you can enter and might just come out of as champion:

  • Beauty Pageant (Toddlers and Tiara style)
  • Hot Dog Eating Contest
  • Oreo and Milk Jingle Contest
  • Contestant on Wheel of Fortune
  • Pig Racing

Here’s your Political Portion:

Too bad Rick wasn’t  on the show, for God would have given him the strength to spell.

I Do What I Want

President Obama. Super suave. Super eloquent. Super agent of the Free World. This over idealized image of our current president scaling the White House walls, Mission Impossible style, has been pushed to the max. Emphasized so much so that, as long as Obama keeps killing the bad guys, he can do whatever he wants. Well, this is where the issue lies. Since the moment the Obamanator entered the Oval Office, he and his family have spared no expense.

Granted, there are not many opportunities which allow an individual to reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but still. The lavish vacations, celebrity get-togethers, and guest spots on talk shows are not to be suppressed. The Obamas are fully aware that such actions would not be widely received by the general public.

The president hosted a glitzy Alice in Wonderland themed party in 2009 for which the State Dining Room was magically transformed to resemble Tim Burton’s vision of the Lewis Carroll classic.  The function was topped off with none other than Johnny Depp dressed in his Mad Hatter attire.

Throughout Obama’s campaign, celebrities the likes of Oprah, Bruce Springsteen, Will Smith, Anne Hathaway, and Scarlett Johansson have supported the Commander in Chief. When Obama turned the big 5-0 in August, Jay-Z, Stevie Wonder, and Tom Hanks were there by his side ringing in his big milestone.

Everyone is entitled to a little fun, especially when you have the most stressful and demanding job in the country, but President Obama might want to set his priorities straight. Spending money left, right and center is not going to help the country’s current economic state and boasting that you’re best friends with Justin Bieber does not earn you street cred.

Here is your Political Portion:

Obama’s dancing on Ellen will definitely help our economy. Definitely.

Hi My Name Is ___ And I Approve This Message

I find some sort of satisfaction when I accurately select the loose cannon during a presidential debate. It was much more of a challenge during the 2008 campaign only because both parties were at each other’s throats, but I would like to think I still got it right. Personally, my favorite gonzo of four years ago went by the name of Mike Gravel. This former senator from Alaska sought the first Democratic nomination in hopes that, as president, he could spread direct democracy all around. Though Gravel’s random tangents on the War on Drugs and racism made him an easy target, it was his inspirational YouTube videos which made him an overnight celebrity.  Anyone remember his big hit, Rock, because I sure do:

Did you see the way that Gravel just threw that slab of stone into the water? You know what that shouts? It shouts, “Hey, the strength that I mustered up to sling this rock into the river speaks volumes of my ability to be president.” With all that pent up robustness, I wonder what else Gravel could throw. A laptop? A bucket? Maybe he can throw two rocks at once? The possibilities are endless.

The crazies continue to find a way on the platform, with this year’s title going to Rick Perry. Don’t let his good looks and Texas charm fool yah because once you get past his exterior there is nothing but an interior riddled with absurdity. Granted, it should be said that when any political figure is placed under intense pressure he is bound to make mistakes. Let’s face it: it truly is a lot to handle. But when you make the commitment to run for president, you’d better know that since 1971 the voting age in America is 18, not 21. You’d better be able to list the agencies of government, especially if they are vital to your argument. You’d better know that it is Supreme Court justice Sotomayor, not Montemayor. And you’d best be sure that you are able to tell the difference between a living human being and a mannequin. (The LA Times reported that Perry visited a restaurant to boost his campaign, only to “call on a mannequin” that was wearing the restaurant’s shirt for promotional purposes.)

Though these mistakes that Perry made   ultimately led to the derailment of his crusade, he continues to open his mouth. The viral video of Marines urinating on corpses in Afghanistan was quickly defended by Perry, saying,  “Obviously, 18-19 year old kids make stupid mistakes all too often. And that’s what’s occurred here.” This “kids will be kids” mentality does not excuse such actions. We are trying to make amends with the Afghan people and when something like this becomes public, we as America take steps backward instead of forward. Sadly, the only kid in the room is the Texan with the gun.

Here’s your Political Portion:

I wouldn’t want to bring him to my brother’s wedding, that’s for sure.