Well, This Is Awkward

Listen up, ladies. If you are searching for that perfect man who is conservative AND spontaneous at the same time, well look no further. Despite the little snafu that he is already married and that his family is the modern day Brady Bunch, Rick Santorum is just the chap for you. Santorum’s staunch opposition to birth control, abortion, and prenatal screenings is so tantalizing and alluring that Republican women simply cannot get enough of him. In a recent ABC News poll, GOP women find the former senator of Pennsylvania the most appealing when compared to Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich.

A Stud Like Paul Back In The Day

Side Note: Um, women of the Right Wing? Have you forgotten about Ron Paul? Have you not seen his ears? Come on, girls. His middle name is Ernest.

It comes as a surprise, actually, more of a shock, that Santorum is favorable amongst the female population. This is the man who preaches that prenatal tests lead to abortions. This is also the man who has proclaimed that birth control is not only destructive for women to use, but that it actually doesn’t work. Contradictory much? Unfortunately for Mr. Sweater Vest, his words fall on deaf ears, for over 12 million American women use birth control and the number keeps rising. Unless the presidential hopeful pulls a Hamburgler on all places that sell birth control and contraceptives, Santorum is out of luck.

Ladies, Guess Who Is Bringing Sexy Back?

Political strategists have come to the conclusion that it is not actually Santorum’s strong opinions on women’s health issues that have made the traditional lassies swoon over him, but rather, it is the fact that he knows how to successfully play the role of Mr. Mom. As one strategist explains, “Rick knows firsthand what it means to run the carpool, pick up the kids from practice, help with homework and drop them off at their friends’ houses, all while trying to get to work on time or home for dinner with the family.”

Gals of America, what more do you want? Not only does Mr. Santorum fly by the seat of his pants (because nothing says unplanned like an unplanned pregnancy), but he is the modern day Mary Poppins! Give him a feather duster, a magical satchel, and a British accent and you have the man of your dreams.

These Are The Kind Of Women Who Want Some Santorum Loving

On a more serious note, Rick needs to realize that he cannot single handedly prevent every woman in the United States from getting down and dirty. To not sell birth control in pharmacies and drug stores would be an error of mass proportion and most women in the United States would be more resentful than thankful to whoever made the ultimate decision.

Here is your political portion:

I’ll be calling Nanny Santorum to take care of my future children.