Monthly Archives: April 2012

The Final Frontier

For all those hoping for a lunar colony, you’d best be looking somewhere else for such an investment. Former Speaker of the House and most recent Energizer Bunny, Newt Gingrich, has finally realized he has no chance of becoming the Republican nominee.

After some deep contemplation and discussion with his 16th wife, Gingrich will be stepping down this Wednesday. Though Republicans believe that Gingrich will throw his support behind rival Mitt Romney, for all we know, Gingrich might make the race even more exciting by betting on Ron Paul to sweep the nation.

It’s a shame that Mr. Gingrich will be leaving the race with outsiders harboring mixed feelings toward Mr. Susan Boyle. Rather than proposing ideas that would benefit our country, Gingrich, instead, stayed in a race that was no longer meant for him.

 

 

As the race for the future Republican nominee starts to wind down, that between Romney and Obama has just begun. Both power players, the two figures will fight until one is named champion. It is unfortunate that it took Gingrich this long to realize that he never had a chance against the Barack-ster. A Keebler elf look-alike will always be defeated by someone who has an eerie resemblance to Curious George. It’s just the way it is.

Here is your political portion:

Look at him go!

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Gracias Me Gusta Burritos de Pollo

The Romney campaign was given a mission. A mission to appeal to members of the opposite sex in hopes that their votes would give Mitt the needed boost over President Obama. Now, after one week, Romney has a new goal to attain, that is, to trick the Latino demographic into thinking he knows the difference between a quesadilla and an enchilada.

Are those Nachos?

The way for Romney to achieve this is to tackle the immigration problem, but unfortunately he cannot since one of his campaign platforms is to harp on those illegal immigrants. Such a stance is yet another attempt by Romney to prove that he is dangerously conservative. In fact, the choice to pursue such an issue is a failure on Romney’s part since illegal immigration is at the bottom of the list when it comes to American concerns.

 

 

 

So get ready for some major damage control, America, because Mitt Romney might be fashioning a sombrero and taking a few shots of tequila before he makes the rounds. Who knows, we might be lucky enough to hear him attempt to speak some Spanish. He’ll probably address the crowd by saying “Hola” and then try to express how much the Hispanic community means to him, but instead he’ll sputter, “Mi gato es de color rojo.” Though you might have dyed your pet feline to represent the Republican Party, it’s not going to win you the seat in the White House, hombre.

Here’s your political portion:

Hopefully, this will give Romney a basic understanding of how to speak Spanish. Emphasis on the hopefully.

They Don’t Call Me Maidservant For Nothing

With Rick Santorum officially suspending his campaign so he can channel all of his positive energy to designing fashionable sweater vests, Mitt Romney is facing pressure from the Republican Party to morph into a Mighty Power Republican Ranger. As the modern day Mrs. Doubtfire, Santorum gained respect from conservative stay-at-home moms and middle class families alike. The man could have easily donned a wig and nightgown while whipping up a batch of freshly made chocolate chip cookies. Santorum had an in with the traditional ladies.

Alas, the focus has shifted again to Romney who, unlike Santorum, has no idea how to use a vacuum, let alone clean a multilevel mansion. Realizing that he needs to appeal to a particular female demographic, Romney has pulled out his secret weapon: his wife. Ann Romney is just what the doctor ordered because she fits the basic criteria of being a woman and a stay-at-home mom.

After Democratic strategist Hilary Rosen criticized Mrs. Romney for having “never worked a day in her life”, Ann went on the defense via Twitter typing “I made a choice to stay home and raise five boys. Believe me, it was hard work.” Still, some outsiders continue to question whether the Romney household ever relied on maids or nannies because, you know, they are stinking rich. Though Ann denied such allegations, a reported 5 nannies and maids are in fact stationed throughout the Romney household. Makes you wonder how much work Ann is really doing.

Though this little dispute might appear to some detrimental in regards to the Romney campaign, it might actually be a tactful move on their part. Ann is by far a more likeable character than her husband and her presence can help bring in those much needed votes. Despite this little sideshow, Ann Romney’s love for her children has made for a nice diversion from the craziness of what has become the Republican Party.

Here’s Your Political Portion:

Romney would for sure be the Red Power Ranger. Look at him go!

Cn Smone Teach Me Hw To Spel?

Remember that post back in January when I harped on the Republicans for their “snarky comments” and use of “low blows” through their mudslinging advertisements? Well, the hope that my message might in some way personally touch and move one of the candidates to cease taking part in such cattiness has failed. Not only has it not affected the lives of the current GOP contestants, but it has made no impression on the general Republican audience.

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa has decided to take part in the fun by not necessarily attacking the Republican candidates, but rather, by releasing his fury on President Obama. Senator Grassley, who works closely with the Supreme Court, apparently took personal offense when Obama said it would be “unprecedented” if the Supreme Court decided to turn down his health care bill.

Well, what better way to express your anger and resentment toward the leader of the Free World than to type it all out on Twitter. Yes, instead of releasing a verbal statement which would certainly have been more eloquent, Senator Grassley decided to tweet this:

Um, excuse me? Let me get out my Twitter translator as well as my Senator Grassley renderer and let’s see if we can figure this one out.  Oh! Well, he must be referring to President Obama because he was a professor of constitutional law, but the “Am ppl” part has left me, as well as the Twitter-verse, befuddled. Senator Grassley, were you so excited to give it to Obama that you neglected your vowels? In fact, most of your tweets sound like a kindergartner typed them. Like this one:

Or this one:

“What is Alex Baldwin doing in USA advertising for Capital One credit card. He said he was going lv US of Bush was elected”

I mean seriously Grassley, seriously? First off, it’s Alec Baldwin not Alex. And second of all, seriously? Outbursts like these from the Republican party are only negatively affecting their image. It’s bad enough that three out of the four Republican candidates are continuing to drag out the race, so there is no room for additional stupidity.

Here is your political portion:

Once he cleans up his spelling, Grassley might want to listen to Jack’s fashion advice.

I Seem To Have Lost My Filter

In light of April 1st, what better way to celebrate such a joyous holiday than to pay homage to one of the best jokes in modern day politics? Vice President Joe Biden might have Rick Perry beat when it comes to the most ridiculous and embarrassing blunders of the 21st century.

When giving a speech at the Scott Community College in Davenport, Iowa, Mr. Charming referred to the president of the school as a sugary drink instead of saying her actual name. Biden’s slip-up went a little something like this:

Due to the fact that Joe Biden is not equipped with a built-in teleprompter, the former Delaware senator keeps making mistake after mistake. In the beginning of the new year, Biden boasted that the Giants were making their way to the coveted Super Bowl. Such a statement is not controversial unless it is announced in front of a group of unruly 49ers fans. Oh wait. It was. Mr. Biden apparently got his Giants mixed up, confusing the New York Giants with the SF Giants (a baseball team, mind you)

Go back two years and not only did Biden drop the F-bomb during a ceremony for the healthcare bill, but a week earlier the vice president offered his condolences to the Irish prime minister on his deceased mother. Little did Biden know that the Irish prime minister’s mum is still chugging along and has yet to reach an untimely end.

Though speechwriters alike would rather have Joe Biden pushed into a corner with masking tape over his mouth until further instructed, the vice president will always remain a loose cannon.

Here is your political portion:

Just the way we like Biden: Nice and Quiet.