Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Kind of Better

Mitt Romney better start sleeping with one eye open, for it appears as though a new Republican contender might be taking the spotlight. In an unexpected twist on February 7th, Rick Santorum swept the Missouri, Colorado, and Minnesota primaries and caucuses. With such success comes the combination of more attention and additional funders. Can someone say “more commercials and customized t-shirts”?

These wins have provided Santorum some ego-stroking swagger, giving him that extra push to talk more smack about the former governor of Massachusetts. At this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference in Washington, Santorum put on his best sweater vest, packed away with his little backpack (I like to imagine he carries this when the going gets tough), and brought on the scandal mongering. Side note: For those who are unfamiliar with CPAC, simply picture Comic-Con and its devoted fan base, but instead of people dressing up as their favorite anime character, everyone is donning his favorite conservative on a nifty pin.

 

This year at CPAC, the annual straw poll indicated Romney as the winner. This obviously did not sit well with Santorum and, let’s be honest. After winning over three states, despite Missouri not even counting, such triumph can go to an individual’s head. Being the good sport he truly is, Santorum went on to tell CNN that “For years, Ron Paul won those (CPAC’s straw polls) because he just trucks in a lot of people, pays their ticket, and they come in and vote and then they leave. I don’t try to rig straw polls.” When pushed on whether or not he was implying that Romney did the same thing, Santorum went on to say, “Well, you have to talk to the Romney campaign. We’ve heard all sorts of things.”

Ah, Rick. Don’t let the loss get to you. Sure, it’s pretty tough to hear that you didn’t come out victorious in a poll equivalent to the minor leagues, but hey, every poll counts, right? Sure, the first thing you want to do is accuse your opponents of cheating so that you look like the better person. But come on, Rick! You know you are better than that! While you take some time to recoup from this blow, here are some competitions that you can enter and might just come out of as champion:

  • Beauty Pageant (Toddlers and Tiara style)
  • Hot Dog Eating Contest
  • Oreo and Milk Jingle Contest
  • Contestant on Wheel of Fortune
  • Pig Racing

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Too bad Rick wasn’t  on the show, for God would have given him the strength to spell.

I Do What I Want

President Obama. Super suave. Super eloquent. Super agent of the Free World. This over idealized image of our current president scaling the White House walls, Mission Impossible style, has been pushed to the max. Emphasized so much so that, as long as Obama keeps killing the bad guys, he can do whatever he wants. Well, this is where the issue lies. Since the moment the Obamanator entered the Oval Office, he and his family have spared no expense.

Granted, there are not many opportunities which allow an individual to reside at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, but still. The lavish vacations, celebrity get-togethers, and guest spots on talk shows are not to be suppressed. The Obamas are fully aware that such actions would not be widely received by the general public.

The president hosted a glitzy Alice in Wonderland themed party in 2009 for which the State Dining Room was magically transformed to resemble Tim Burton’s vision of the Lewis Carroll classic.  The function was topped off with none other than Johnny Depp dressed in his Mad Hatter attire.

Throughout Obama’s campaign, celebrities the likes of Oprah, Bruce Springsteen, Will Smith, Anne Hathaway, and Scarlett Johansson have supported the Commander in Chief. When Obama turned the big 5-0 in August, Jay-Z, Stevie Wonder, and Tom Hanks were there by his side ringing in his big milestone.

Everyone is entitled to a little fun, especially when you have the most stressful and demanding job in the country, but President Obama might want to set his priorities straight. Spending money left, right and center is not going to help the country’s current economic state and boasting that you’re best friends with Justin Bieber does not earn you street cred.

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Obama’s dancing on Ellen will definitely help our economy. Definitely.

Hi My Name Is ___ And I Approve This Message

I find some sort of satisfaction when I accurately select the loose cannon during a presidential debate. It was much more of a challenge during the 2008 campaign only because both parties were at each other’s throats, but I would like to think I still got it right. Personally, my favorite gonzo of four years ago went by the name of Mike Gravel. This former senator from Alaska sought the first Democratic nomination in hopes that, as president, he could spread direct democracy all around. Though Gravel’s random tangents on the War on Drugs and racism made him an easy target, it was his inspirational YouTube videos which made him an overnight celebrity.  Anyone remember his big hit, Rock, because I sure do:

Did you see the way that Gravel just threw that slab of stone into the water? You know what that shouts? It shouts, “Hey, the strength that I mustered up to sling this rock into the river speaks volumes of my ability to be president.” With all that pent up robustness, I wonder what else Gravel could throw. A laptop? A bucket? Maybe he can throw two rocks at once? The possibilities are endless.

The crazies continue to find a way on the platform, with this year’s title going to Rick Perry. Don’t let his good looks and Texas charm fool yah because once you get past his exterior there is nothing but an interior riddled with absurdity. Granted, it should be said that when any political figure is placed under intense pressure he is bound to make mistakes. Let’s face it: it truly is a lot to handle. But when you make the commitment to run for president, you’d better know that since 1971 the voting age in America is 18, not 21. You’d better be able to list the agencies of government, especially if they are vital to your argument. You’d better know that it is Supreme Court justice Sotomayor, not Montemayor. And you’d best be sure that you are able to tell the difference between a living human being and a mannequin. (The LA Times reported that Perry visited a restaurant to boost his campaign, only to “call on a mannequin” that was wearing the restaurant’s shirt for promotional purposes.)

Though these mistakes that Perry made   ultimately led to the derailment of his crusade, he continues to open his mouth. The viral video of Marines urinating on corpses in Afghanistan was quickly defended by Perry, saying,  “Obviously, 18-19 year old kids make stupid mistakes all too often. And that’s what’s occurred here.” This “kids will be kids” mentality does not excuse such actions. We are trying to make amends with the Afghan people and when something like this becomes public, we as America take steps backward instead of forward. Sadly, the only kid in the room is the Texan with the gun.

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I wouldn’t want to bring him to my brother’s wedding, that’s for sure.

Wait, You’re A Republican?

As the debates progress, the snarky comments between the Republican hopefuls grow stronger. One minute someone is critiquing his opponent’s economic reform while another is dissing the color scheme of somebody’s attire.

I like to imagine that behind closed doors the Republican candidates are “best friends forever” and get together to converse about their lives over tea and crumpets. This is what I envision as a conversation:

Romney: How are your kids, Rick?

Santorum: Which kid? There are so many that I just can’t keep track.

Gingrich: I know exactly what you mean.

Paul: Newt, you only have two children.

Gingrich: Ron, I was talking about my wives!

Romney: *Laughing Out-loud* Oh, Newt! I wish I had your sense of humor AND tax return record!

They would go on to share the latest Democratic gossip and trade tips on how to grill the perfect steak. Alas, this is not real life.

This group would rather partake in low blows and verbal inaccuracies that have the sole purpose of tarnishing their image. Case in point, Romney went after Gingrich by calling him an “influence peddler in Washington”, along with him being a “failed leader whose party ousted him as U.S. House Speaker”. The face to face abuse is simply not enough, for the candidates further their mudslinging through advertisements. Take Ron Paul’s attack on Santorum:

It’s unfortunate that these men have forgotten that they are “technically” in this for the long haul. They share the common goal of wanting to dethrone President Obama so that a Republican representative can take charge. Though it is understandable that each member of this current group of ruffians needs to make his case that he is the most electable, ultimately they will all have to support just one of these candidates. The fact of the matter is that, due to their disagreements, these men have portrayed their party as being completely divided and jumbled. Ah, c’est la vie.

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Gingrich would look striking in a green party dress, no?

Picture Perfect President?

It all started in 2008.  The Presidential Election was upon us and a slew of candidates, Republican and Democrat, were ready to duke it out for their opportunity to sit in the oval office. Many individuals desired the prestigious title of Commander in Chief, but only one would walk away as champion. At this time, I was slightly indifferent to who would be crowned the winner.  It was only when I received this video that my indifference turned to pure interest:

I don’t know if I was more concerned that Mike Huckabee willingly admitted that he liked to munch on fried squirrels or that he was so inclined to share his cooking secrets with Morning Joe’s audience. Nevertheless, Huckabee’s adoration for sizzled rodents should not have been a defining factor in whether or not he was a competent Republican contender. His strong views on abortion, foreign policy, and the death penalty were just as charming as his nutritional preferences.

Unfortunately, it is difficult for voters to separate a candidate’s personal life from his actual beliefs. It is these beliefs which matter when running a country. Fast-forward to 2012 and nothing seems to have changed. Newt Gingrich has been the subject of heated controversy with regard to wife numero dos. Ex-wife, Marianne, spilled her soul to ABC, claiming that her former flame wanted an open relationship during their marriage. Despite Newt’s denial, such accusations have left Americans torn. While some voters now have a tainted image of the former Speaker of the House, others find Gingrich a suitable candidate, thus accounting for his domination in the South Carolina primary.

Americans don’t want a president with skeletons in the closet, but rather, one who embodies a cookie-cutter lifestyle. Still, the reality is that the majority of candidates, whether conservative or liberal, tend to have a background that leans more toward that of the Kardashians than that of the Brady Bunch.

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Now who would want to fry that?